Tantrums

Okay, so I just changed one of my resolutions from check "How to Stop Worrying And Start Living" out of the library to Get a library card. I had to do it. Getting the library card was an event in and of itself and since they didn't have the book at that library, it's seeming a little unlikely that I will be able to check that book out this month... but we'll see.

Yesterday I decided to take Andy to the library. Since we moved into a different county last year, I needed to get a library card for the library near us, as my old one wasn't good in this county. So, we got to the library right when they opened at 10:00 a.m. I stopped at the desk on my way in and asked about getting a card. I took the paperwork and clip board with me to fill out while sitting in the children's area. Andy LOVED the library. He was looking at books. He was pointing out all of the fish and jungle animals on the walls. He was excited. We stayed in the kids area for almost an hour! At one point we did bring my paperwork up the desk along with my driver's license.

Then, things started to go down hill. Andy noticed the computers and ALL he wanted to do was play on the computer! Since I couldn't let him crash every computer he touched in the library, he was NOT HAPPY that I wasn't letting him do what he wanted to do. So, I took him to the computer to look up the book I wanted to check out. For some reason he DID NOT want to use THAT particular computer. So, I gave him one of the little pencils and scrap pieces of paper near the computer and let him draw.

They didn't even carry the book I wanted in this library.

When we went back up to the desk to get my library card and license Andy threw a complete fit. I couldn't just take him and leave the library because the lady had my license! So after several embarrassing minutes I got my card and my license and carried my child kicking and screaming out to the car.

We've been having issues with this all of a sudden. If he can't do what he wants to do when he wants to do it, he throws a tantrum. When we are at home, time outs work GREAT! No issues. It's when we are in public that I have a problem. And most of the time, he is completely fine out in public!!! But then there are days when I think I'm going to lose my mind.

The only errand I had to run yesterday was to go to the post office. This was after the library. Andy was fine in line, but for whatever reason did not want to go up to the counter. He waited until after the guy started processing my package and getting my stamps to throw a fit. So, I was holding him kicking and screaming while I tried to get my check card out of my wallet and pay. Then I carried him for the second time that day out of a public place while pitching a fit.

Sigh.

Today... he was his normal, happy, cute, sweet, well behaved self! I had a GREAT day with him today. As I do on most days... but I'm getting a glimpse of the "terrible two's" and it's making me really nervous!!!!! Oh, well. I guess every Mom goes through this. I'm just trying really hard to be consistent with him. I suppose that's all I can do.

Otherwise, I've started a list of everything I need to tackle for my "spring cleaning." I'll be working on that all next week, and I've delegated one of my items for the month to my husband to take care of this weekend.... he's going to finish nailing down the quarter round on our downstairs floors. We started putting in the hardwood floors A YEAR AGO. Like most other projects we tackle, they have been 99.9% finished for a while now, but for some reason we have some quarter round that is nailed in place, some that is cut and just layed in place and other that still needs to be cut and put down. It's driving me crazy. I put it on my list to either get Matt to do it or do it myself, it didn't matter. I just want it DONE.

So, while I'm in North Carolina this weekend pressure washing the front porch of our rental house and hauling a load of stuff to the landfill... Matt will be here nailing down quarter round. I feel like it's a fair trade. I'm also doing a Thirty~One party for a friend and visiting my Dad, so it's not like I'm driving 4 hours just to pressure wash a porch.... that's just a "bonus."

Otherwise, I'm trying to figure out how to simplify my life a little more. I feel over-scheduled. I think that I commit to too many things. Lately I've just been craving more family time and more time at home in general. It's something I'm going to have to be very conscious about working on. I want to feel a little more centered as a person. I guess that is a work in progress too.

Working With Super Glue

(Disclaimer: If you are planning to try and fix anything with super glue, you probably want to do the exact opposite of what I just did in order to avoid super gluing your fingers together.)

So, about a month ago, when I started trying to pick out a paint color for the office and figure out what we were going to do for a desk, etc.... my husband told me that he would like to have (and I quote) a "wall of awesome" for himself. No, I'm not kidding. This wall of awesome would include many of the various plaques and certificates that my in-laws saved for my husband over the years and recently returned to him. You would think that would include his college diploma, but since that was left in an unsealed box in the detached garage at the rental house we were living in... it's covered in mold. (We'll be ordering a new one) ... However... the plaque that my husband received for winning first place in a WATERMELON SEED SPITTING contest in the Cub Scouts remains in pristine condition. If only I had KNOWN he was an award winning watermelon seed spitter, I may have gone out with him for the first time sooner than I did! I don't know why he held that information back!

Okay, so I agreed to give him a small strip of wall in the office for his "wall of awesome" because I'm a nice person... and because all other design decisions in our house have been up to me... Soooooo as long as I'm doing this, I figured I should fix this cute hand print plaque that he made when he was five years old.

The top corner was completely broken off, and the side was partially broken, but still hanging on.

So, I rummaged around on the workbench in the garage for some super glue. I found an opened box with 6 tubes.

Mistake #1: Assuming none of the tubes were opened

I was smart enough not to use the glue on our counter tops, so I put a pile of paper underneath. I didn't consider using gloves because a) we don't have any and b) I saw NO REASON that I would have to touch the glue. After a few seconds of holding the tube (and NOT squeezing it yet) my fingers felt funny... then I noticed THAT particular tube had been opened and the glue was oozing out around the cap. I dropped the tube on the paper and ...

Mistake #2: Rubbed my fingers together

...rubbed my middle finger and my thumb together... why did I do that? WHO KNOWS!!! How dumb could I be! They briefly stuck TOGETHER... but I was able to get them apart. However, the top of two of my fingernails were glued to my skin and the tips of my fingers and thumbs were shriveled, hard and white.... coated in the glue.

So, with my left hand I did the next rational thing... I Googled "How to get super glue off your skin." Everything I read told me to soak my fingers in nail polish remover. Which I did. This released my nails from my skin... but my fingertips... not so much. Still shriveled, hard and white.

So, then I realized that the plaque was now secured to the paper... as was tube of glue. When I tried to remove the paper, it ripped the cracked part of the plaque completely off.

So, I got myself a new, UN-OPENED tube of super glue, took the plaque and broken pieces outside, glued it together without setting it down on anything.... and then set it in the sun on its non-glued side on our grill to dry.

And now it's fixed. I'm crossing it off my list. Who knows how long this stuff is going to stay on my fingers!!!!!!!!

Putting In The Time

I've really been struggling lately with making the time for the things that are really important to me. I'm not really sure why. I think that sometimes I get overwhelmed with my life (especially if I am over scheduled) and I either just kind of shut down mentally, or I work on small things while I let the big things pile up and stress me out. Sometimes I think that my coping mechanism when I am stressed is to do as many random and insignificant tasks as possible, while avoiding the big things I should be working on. I suppose that way I still feel productive, but can still avoid dealing with things I don't want to deal with. Of course, this method never works and I just end up feeling more stressed and anxious, but man, is it hard to look at yourself and your habits objectively and try to make changes. Sigh.

So, what it comes down to is that I just need to start holding myself more accountable and just PUT IN THE TIME to work on the bigger things. I know that I'll be less stressed out and then actually have time for the little things. When I was working, it was easier to have someone else holding me accountable for things. Now that I'm staying at home, I'm finding that it's hard to be so self disciplined!

Now that my race is over and I don't have to just train for endurance, I would really like to focus on eating better and getting in shape. I have a hard time focusing on both. I know they should go hand in hand, but I have never been able to tackle making both a priority. I didn't lose any weight when I was training for the Myrtle Beach half marathon, but once the race was cancelled and I took a month off from training, I lost 15 lbs! It was just because I felt like I could focus on my eating. I am someone who can workout all I want, but if I'm not eating well, I won't lose weight.

I really want to keep running right now, but seriously, it's been over 100 degrees in Charleston lately and I would probably pass out if I tried to go out and run. So, last night I started the P90X workout with my husband in our garage. He's been doing it for three months now, and we've already had to go buy him new (smaller) pants! I just kind of put him in charge of my workouts. He made up the spreadsheets to track my reps and weight used for different exercises, he has us following the workout plan, all I have to do is show up. This means that I don't have to feel overwhelmed about planning workouts, AND, I don't have to hold myself accountable for actually working out. I'm not going to let Matt work out in the garage while I'm home doing something else, just because I don't feel like it. The buddy system works for me.

My biggest issue with eating healthy is lack of planning. If I actually plan meals and grocery shop accordingly, I'll eat relatively healthy. If not, well, then I tend to eat pretty poorly. I usually blame my lack of planning on being over scheduled, but really, I find the time to be lazy, or surf the internet or watch a show on Netflix, so I definitely have the time to meal plan.

I think that I'm going to start setting aside a "planning period" for myself on Sunday afternoons while Andy is napping. I might even leave the house so that I'm not distracted by other things, but it will give me some time to plan my week, plan our meals and feel less stressed with the start of each new week.

Oh, ya, and I'm crossing two things off my list...

#1 I submitted our railing application to our HOA. We would like to add some railings to our front porch. Of course, this has to get approved by the HOA, and because they want as much of our money as possible, you have to pay a $75 fee for architectural reviews... this is good for 1 calendar year. We had to pay this last year when we got our fence approved, so while we are covered for another week, I figured I'd better get our application in! We may decide not to do the railings, but at least the request is in. I know it sounds like we must live in some fancy gated community since they are so ridiculous about approving anything we plant in the yard and charging the review fees etc... but WE DON'T!!!! It drives me crazy! The HOA says it's because the builder still has control of the neighborhood and since they are still building and selling houses they want to make sure the neighborhood has a certain "feel"... blah blah blah. It does not use $75 worth of anyone's time to decide if we can plant an azalea!!!

and...

#2 I re-programmed our thermostats. This was easy since I organized all my manuals! The old Colleen would have spent an hour searching for the manual to be able to do this! Anyway, somehow our downstairs thermostat was set for 71 degrees at night!!! Craziness! We don't even need the air on downstairs at night. So, even though I try to remember to turn it off at night, if I don't then we are wasting a WHOLE bunch of electricity! Anyway... it's done.

Geesh! This was a long post! I'll be surprised if anyone is still reading it!

Blah Day

So, I'm having a really hard time jumping back into the swing of things since I got back from California. Maybe I only have so much motivation reserved for a week and I used all of it up for the week running that race. Who knows!

Yesterday, I did absolutely nothing! Well, except parent my child... but I feel like I even did the least amount of parenting possible. This morning I did go visit two friends who live in the same neighborhood. One just had a baby 2 weeks ago and so we brought little Rory a gift (along with a Frappachino for Mama!) and the other is leaving tomorrow to go to New York for THE WHOLE SUMMER! Because she is awesome and is working on getting her certification to teach Montessori school. But, boy will she be missed!!!

Then we went and picked up my friend Megan's farm share for the week since she is out of town. That was fun! And I loved how my car smelled like basil for the whole ride home. So, like I said... still feeling unmotivated, so I picked things off my list that required me to do the least amount of moving around possible. I literally sat at the computer or on the phone ALL afternoon. BUT... I crossed some things off...

#1 I called to take care of some health insurance issues. Recently (as in 2 months ago) I got two bills in the mail from two different doctors appointments where it appeared as though my health insurance didn't pay a cent toward my care. So, the procrastinator that I am, I just now called to get that straightened out. My husband's work had switched providers for our health insurance and although I KNOW with 100% certainty that I gave them my NEW insurance card at my appointments, they still filed the claims to the old provider. So, now they are resubmitting and blah blah blah... hopefully this gets worked out. I HATE dealing with medical billing stuff!!!!

#2 I called GE to have them come and fix our dishwasher. Okay, so we closed on our house a YEAR ago. It was a brand new house. However the top rack of the dishwasher only slid part way out and then you had to PULL really hard to get it out the rest of the way. Either the wheels are too big for the track or the track is too small for the wheels. My point... it's been like this for a year, and I just now called to get it fixed. They will be here anytime during a 6 hour window in the afternoon on Tuesday. Six hours?? Honestly? Why not just say that you'll be here sometime on Tuesday??? Moving on...

#3 I set up direct deposit for my Thirty-One checks. Yaye! I'm loving being a consultant already! I think it's going to be a fun part time job for me.

#4 I downloaded the pictures off my camera memory card... all 431 of them. That's correct. Hadn't downloaded a darn thing off that card since December. Now I need to organize all the pictures into folders on my computer... eh! Another resolution for another month! Was NOT happening today! And finally...

#5 I ordered my thank you cards to send to everyone who made a donation to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society for my Team In Training! This was a fun one! I picked out a cute pattern from Shutterfly and uploaded the picture of me at the finish of the race and then added a nice note. It was obviously a little more expensive than just buying thank you cards and hand writing them, but I purposely waited until after I had run the race to send the cards so that I could do a picture of me at the finish line. I'm excited for them to come in the mail! Not quite so excited to address them all! Ha ha! That should have been a separate resolution on my list!

Otherwise, I've just been feeling kind of blah. I'm not really sure what it is, but I need to snap out of it and get back into the swing of things! I'm going to a girl's weekend trip tomorrow, so I'm sure that will help. When I get home I'm going to start working on refinishing the desk for the office. Projects always help keep the blahs away!

My Proudest Moment

This was my proudest moment of the year thus far!

That was me on Sunday right after I crossed the finish line at the San Diego Rock n' Roll Half Marathon. I don't feel like I can put into words the affect this experience had on me. Besides being incredibly proud of raising $3,100 for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society and being incredibly proud of finishing a half marathon, I feel like I left this past weekend a changed person. I have never been a part of something that was so inspiring and so full of energy. Every time I ran past someone (I know, I was surprised that I ran past anyone! ha ha) that had pictures all over the back of their shirts of their honored patients, or mothers or fathers or sisters or brothers that they were running in memory of or in support of, I felt inspired. When I thought of the OVER $155 million dollars that has been raised over the past 13 years from this race to support the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, I felt humbled to be a part of it. But mostly, I felt proud to be a part of something so important. Proud that I didn't quit. Proud that I ran the whole first SEVEN miles, walk/ran the next five and then somehow RAN that last mile. Proud that I was very conscious to take everything in from start to finish that day.

I thought a lot about my cousin Lisa during the race. She was the inspiration for me to sign up for this journey in the first place. I thought about her husband and her kids and her sister and her father and her nieces and nephew. I thought about how unfair it is that she isn't here anymore. I wanted to cry every time I saw someone running with a picture of a child on their shirt that said in memory of. I couldn't help thinking what if that was me? What if that was my husband? Or even worse for me... what if that was my child? And then I ran harder. I looked around at all of the amazing scenery around me. I soaked in the beauty of San Diego. I thought about how all of these people around me were running or walking this race because their lives had been touched by cancer in some way. It seemed so unfair that there were SO many people to run in support of or in memory of. And then I stopped feeling so sad and just felt blessed that all of these thirty nine THOUSAND people in this race felt moved enough to contribute to this fight against cancer. I cried during that last mile as I started to realize all that I had just accomplished. All that everyone there had accomplished. I missed my husband and I missed my son. I wished so badly that they could have been there in that moment... not so that they could be proud of me, but so that I could hug them and tell them I love them and tell them how blessed I feel to have them in my life... because never have I been so aware of that feeling. Never have I realized how careful I need to be not to take my family, my friends and the comforts of my life for granted.

When I crossed the finish line, all I could hear was my friend Lauren yelling my name! She had flown across the country from Massachusetts to meet me in San Diego. She got up at 6:30 a.m., took trolleys, shuttle buses and probably walked about four miles that day so that she could be at two places along the race course and at the finish line! She totally ignored the barrier and jumped right into the finishers lane so that she could take my picture and give me a hug and whip a bottle of water out of her bag and tell me how great I looked for just finishing 13.1 miles! Lauren is one of my very best and oldest friends. We don't see each other often enough and our friendship needed this weekend. I love her for many reasons, but on Sunday morning, I loved her for decorating the mirror in our bathroom like this...

It was 3:30 a.m. and I was already starting to cry reading all of the little inspirational sayings she had written on the little stars! I picked one out of the bunch to stick to the back of my race number. I looked down at it several times during the race to remind myself of the person I am trying to become and all of the changes I've been working on in my life this year. There were several times where just looking at that little star made all the difference in my race.

She also gave me a card and a little silver wish token with a star cut out. I made a wish much bigger than myself and then tied it to my sneaker and gave that day my all.



Now I'm back home, realizing that my body hates me every time I try and stand up and walk, and just trying to figure out how to keep this experience with me. How to remember how I felt on Sunday and how to build on the emotions that I'm still experiencing from the weekend. I know that I want to run another half marathon. That is FOR SURE something I never thought I'd say! I want to be able to run the whole 13.1 miles next time. I know that I want to donate more of my time to causes that keep me humbled and remind me of my place in this world. But most of all, I don't want to take anything in my life for granted... ever.

June

I can not believe that I'm already on the 6th month of my resolutions! I'm getting a slow start to the month because I'm busy getting ready to leave tomorrow for SAN DIEGO! Yippee!!! I'm so excited! I'm going to be doing the Rock n' Roll half marathon with the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's Team in Training. My goal is to complete the race. I am going to be doing run/walk intervals for the whole 13.1 miles. I'm okay with this. At first I felt like I needed to be able to run the whole thing in order to feel like I truly succeeded at it, but I've come to terms with the fact that my body wasn't ready for that, and I've come a long way endurance wise since I started training!

I was supposed to do the half marathon in Myrtle Beach back in February, but it was cancelled due to snow. Since then, I've lost 15 lbs, so I think that has really helped me feel better while running and put less stress on my shins. I had a lot of problems with shin splints when I was training for Myrtle Beach.

I think that the thing I'm most proud of is that thanks to the generosity of my friends and family, I raised over $3,000!!!!! I am still just amazed at that amount!

So, tomorrow I'm going to take care of a few small things on my list before I leave (i.e. the things that only involve phone calls) and then I will be heading out to sunny California at noon! I'm feeling a little anxious about the race, sad to be leaving my family, but VERY excited to meet one of my best friend's from High School in San Diego! She's flying out tomorrow from Massachusetts to be my cheering squad. I am so grateful she is coming. However, this will be the longest that I've ever been away from Andy, and that's going to be really hard. BUT... we will have a laptop and a webcam so I can Skype with my little guy!

I'm going to try really hard to just soak this whole experience in and just give it my all on Sunday! So, if you are reading this and could say a little prayer or word of encouragement, I'd really appreciate it! The weather is supposed to be perfect ... no fluke snow storms! I'm ready to put my hard work to the test!

My Introduction to Bible Study

I have never participated in a Bible study group. I guess I wasn't exactly sure what it entailed. I didn't realize that there are all kinds of curriculum and books covering various topics that you read and discuss life circumstances and how you can apply the teachings of the Bible to your life. I think that I literally thought you got together and studied passages from the Bible. I don't know if I should be embarrassed to admit that or not.

I have friends who regularly participate in Bible study groups, but I was never really all that interested because whenever I have tried to read my Bible, it's been short lived. I have tried really hard on a few occasions, but the terminology and the small writing just kind of wears me out. I really want to have a better understanding of the Bible passages, but I felt like there was something wrong with me since I didn't feel like I could sit and read through things with a good understanding. It wasn't until a conversation with my neighbor last week that I even realized there were different versions of the Bible and that I could get one that is written in more simple to comprehend language, with the actual verses written to the side.

Anyway, this neighbor was telling me how she wasn't that into the current book they were reading in Bible study. I asked her if there was a Bible study she had done that she really liked and she handed me the book Becoming More Than A Good Bible Study Girl. After flipping through it, I asked her if I could borrow it and I added it to my list. It was a pretty quick read. The author is Lysa TerKeurst. She is the President of Proverbs 31 Ministries. I really enjoyed her style of writing. I could relate to pretty much everything she wrote about in the book.

There were two parts of the book, in particular, that I felt I could relate to. The first talked about how not to let yourself fall into a downward spiral of self doubt and inadequacy if you fail at any particular task in your day. This is definitely something that I struggle with. I have a hard time when I fail at something (which of course, happens quite frequently, as I'm sure it does for everyone) not letting my mind wander to ALL the other things I feel I have failed at. Before I know it my mood changes, my self esteem plummets and I feel like I'm a failure at my life. I appreciated reading ways to look at situations for what they are and not to treat them as a catalyst for a bad and frustrating day. I have mentioned it on here before, but this whole topic was really the main reason that I started this blog. I wanted to be able to stop judging my self worth by the things I DIDN'T accomplish during a day and start focusing on the things I DID accomplish, and the things I did do right, and the nice way I treated my husband, and the fun things I did with my son and the things I taught my son. I have to say that most days this is working! I still have times when I feel overwhelmed and I still have days where I feel like I can't do anything right and can't get anything done, but I'm learning different ways to cope with those feelings of inadequacy and move on and have a more positive outlook.

There is also a chapter in the book titled "But I Want What She Has." I try very hard to NOT have the grass must be greener attitude in my life, but to be truthful, I have to work very hard at it. I have those kinds of thoughts a lot and I need to have a discussion with myself about why I would rather have my life than anyone else's or my personality traits compared to anyone else's. I feel like I have gotten a lot better in this arena over the past several years, but this is something that I still struggle with at times. I loved the way that Lysa wrote this chapter. It was very relatable and gave me a good message to repeat to myself when needed. Here is a quote from the book: "Whenever I get an overly idyllic view of someone else's circumstances, I often remind myself out loud 'I am not equipped to handle what they have - both good and bad.'"
I feel like this message is soooo true. I am definitely one of those people who believes that everything happens for a reason, even though you aren't going to know what that reason is right away. Sometimes it takes years to look back on an incident and realize that it put you on the path to where you are today, and suddenly you are grateful for the experience because even though it was terrible at the time, you wouldn't be where you are, or with the people that you are today without it having happened.

I need to be better about realizing that the things that occur in MY life are preparing me to handle the good and bad things that are yet to come in MY life. My life experiences do not prepare me to handle anyone else's life, but my own. Good and bad. There are still things that have happened in my life that I don't feel like I can look back on and say "Wow! Looking back, I'm really glad that happened!" and to be honest, even though I believe that everything happens for a reason, I'm not sure I'll ever get to a point where I can look back and find the good in some things, but I guess all I can do is try.

Until I read this book, I had not figured out what my daily resolution for June was going to be. Each month so far, I've had one resolution that needed to be carried out each day for the month. In January I gave up Coke, February I gave up baked goods and bread with dinner, March I gave up fast food, April I gave up Starbucks and May I walked the dogs every day. But for June... I hadn't decided what I was going to do until I read this book. Now I know that I would like to try and do a daily devotional every day of the month. I think that the quiet reflective time will help keep me centered during my day.