Monday, September 6, 2010

Soul Searching

I'm sure that many of you reading this had begun to think I had given up on my blog and finishing my resolutions.... I don't blame you... I did too. I have been procrastinating writing this post because I wasn't really sure what I was going to say. I've just been doing some soul searching for a little while. You know when you know you have something simmering just under the surface, but you're not really sure what it is? Well, this was going on for me ... for weeks. I couldn't put my finger on it and I had my suspicions that maybe it wasn't just one thing. I felt like I couldn't focus on anything. I didn't log on to my blog for quite a while. I didn't want to look at my list until I could decide why I was feeling the way I was feeling. My husband and I seemed to be on COMPLETELY opposite schedules for several weeks in a row and our relationship was suffering from the lack of time spent together. When everything finally came to a head in basically one big explosion of emotions, I realized that I needed to do what I could do to clear my schedule and make time to spend with my husband. If it wasn't necessary (like work) I wasn't doing it. Including my blog.

I deleted my blog's Facebook page (so, sorry if you were a Facebook fan) ... and then went to delete my blog... and found that I wasn't ready to do that yet. My husband pointed out that my blog was a positive and effective tool for me when I was actually doing what I set out to do.... which was one thing every day. What I had gotten in the bad habit of doing was leaving several things to the end of the month and then cramming them all in. I was also seriously neglecting my daily chores in favor of one time projects around the house. Our house was constantly cluttered... to the point where it was starting to have a negative effect on Matt and on me. Matt felt like I was creating an illusion on here that I was very productive and on the ball because I was neglecting to point out that while I was accomplishing all of these things every month, I wasn't keeping up with anything around the house. So, I'm sorry if that is the impression I was giving, because that is not the case around here... IN THE LEAST!

I have a hard time balancing because we literally have 5+ years of un-started or un-finished projects.... bins of stuff that need to be sorted through and dealt with.... a house that we want to paint walls in, and add character to, and furnish .... with second hand furniture that I am usually re-finishing.... so, I feel like sometimes I use all of my energy trying to take care of those projects and I always think I'll clean later... or I'll do laundry later... or I don't have time to put this stuff away now.... I'll do it later... and of course, you can guess what happens next... I'm too TIRED later to take care of all the other stuff.

So, I've taken some down time while I've been re-evaluating. Here is what I have decided:

1) I am going to keep up with my blog again. I'm also going to be ambitious and combine my unfinished list from August and add it to my September list and get back on track. BUT...

2) My monthly resolution for September is to do 30 minutes of cleaning per day. Here's the thing... when my house was a completely cluttered mess, I didn't feel like I had time to clean because it would take FOREVER to get things cleaned, so I just kept putting it off. I should have realized that if I just tackled a little bit at a time it would get done. So, now, the downstairs of our house is clean (thanks to major help from Matt) and the upstairs is mostly clean. I'm intending to keep it that way with 30 minutes of cleaning a day. It doesn't even have to be continuous. I think just 15 minutes after lunch and 15 minutes in the evening would do wonders!

3) I'm going to be more aware of my schedule. I'm going to try to be hyper aware of not letting too many things get scheduled for several days in a row. Matt and I need that time together throughout the week to stay connected. I don't want any members of my family to feel that I'm not putting my family first. I am truly working on NOT feeling like I need to meet other people's expectations. I need to do what is best for my family and myself.

Deep breath...

So, there it is. I'm so glad I didn't delete my blog. I think I'm going to need a place to get my thoughts out in the coming months! I'm going to get my September list together tonight and get it posted tomorrow. Thanks for sticking around through my lapse in posting. I'm glad I took a step back though, and worked through all the things that were bothering me. I felt paralyzed from doing any blog posts when I couldn't get my head straight.

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