Tonight I watched the movie "Julie & Julia." It was a cute movie and has given me some things to think about as I'm just starting out on my own blogging adventure. When I first decided to start this blog I didn't send anyone the link. I was doing this for myself and not because I cared in the least if anyone else read it. I assumed I would write here every night as sort of an on-line journal and my husband would be my only reader and then we would talk about things I wrote in my blog posts. It's only been 2 weeks, but already I'm having so much fun writing that a few days ago I sent the link to my 4 very best friends (that includes you Mom). My friend Kim asked if I had seen the movie "Julie & Julia" because she assumed that was where I came up with the idea for the blog. I had heard of the movie, but hadn't seen it. Of course I googled it to read the reviews and realized pretty quickly why she would think that was my inspiration for this blog. So, of course, I had to go rent it. (By the way... LOVE the Red Box! I love renting movies for only a dollar!)
Anyway, I enjoyed the movie. Although I'm glad I didn't see it in the theater, I could see a lot of similarities between myself and the main character Julie. I can understand her motivation to want to start her blog project. I think that what I have struggled with over the past several (well, if I stop and think... and count... more like eight) years is that I felt like I was just kind of lost. Not in a totally dysfunctional and depressed state or anything, just personally unfulfilled. I mean, I did get married, have fantastic friends, have the most amazing little boy, but just personally, I felt lost. At times I've struggled to explain this to my husband because I haven't ever wanted him to feel like I wasn't fulfilled in our marriage. It seems like the two should go hand in hand, but they just don't. I feel like there is this whole part of my life that is progressing as it should and as I want it to, but then there is this whole other part of my life that has just been stagnant for way too long. I know my husband understands how I feel because I think he feels the same way.
I think that a lot of how you are feeling on the inside shows up in different ways on the outside. For me, that feeling of not really knowing my place in life professionally and feeling like I had lost my way spiritually and feeling like I was missing some sort of motivational drive or passion has expressed itself outwardly in the chaotic way that my surroundings are kept and in my inability to see anything all the way through. Don't get the impression that I am living in some crazy "Clean House" style clutter pit (well, the garage, maybe yes!) or that I sit around on the couch all day watching mindless TV and eating Bon Bons. I can certainly make the main living areas of my house presentable for company and I'm not an anti-social person, but it's the "behind the scenes" stuff that is just a mess. Total disorganization. It just nags at me constantly. It's hard to function the way I want to function when everything is in such disarray.
I have no idea why I've finally reached a point where I am ready to change, but I really truly know that I am there. I am ready to be more physically and mentally healthy. I feel like for the first time in eight years I'm taking the right approach to change. I'm up for this challenge. I want the person that I am in my head to match the person I am on the outside too.
Today I took a load of clothes to Goodwill. I'm sure it is the first trip of many. Normally I would let things pile up because I would reason with myself that there was no point in making the trip until I had gone through EVERYTHING in my house and taken it all at one time. Well, the Goodwill is not even a 5 minute drive down the road and who cares if I have everything to take at one time??! At least this was progress. I'm learning that everything doesn't have to be a grand gesture. It seriously took me less time to go to the Goodwill, drop off those clothes and come back home than it did to find that change purse last night!
So, as I sit here drinking my green tea after just taking my metformin on my 14th day of not drinking coke and my fifth day of not eating out I can honestly say that I am more proud of myself for the way I have lived my life these past two weeks than I have been in a very long time. I may have been more proud of myself for things in the past, but I've certainly never, ever been as aware of it as I am right now.